Thoughtful (Thoughtless #1.5)(32)
Author: S.C. Stephens

Leaning in close, I whispered, “Are you sure you want me to stop? I thought you liked it.” I thought you liked me, but I was wrong…about so many things.

She swallowed again and turned away from me. Her hands were shaking as she fumbled with the sugar. I laughed, even though nothing about this was funny.

I stared at her for a while, building my reserve of anger before I brought up a topic that I didn’t want to talk about, but I needed an answer. I needed to know what to expect. I needed to know what our plan was. Or her plan, since this was her show. I was just her puppet.

“So you and Denny are…‘back on’?” I asked, clenching my stomach to get through the discomfort of speaking his name.

Kiera flushed with color. “Yes.”

I felt like she’d just punched me in the gut. I even had to stop myself from hunching over. The pain started trickling in, and I had to force myself to remember how much I hated her to make it stop. Fucking bitch. “Just like that…No questions asked?”

She looked freaked out by my question, like she thought I was suddenly going to go run to Denny and tell him everything. Sorry, but I actually care about hurting him, so I’m not going to say a word. I wouldn’t be surprised if you did though. Whore. “Are you going to tell him about…?” I made a crude fucking gesture with my fingers. That was all it was. No point in trying to paint it in a prettier light.

“No…of course not.” She looked away from me, like I’d offended her. Was truth offensive? Yeah, I supposed sometimes it was. Returning her eyes to mine, she whispered, “Are you?”

I shrugged. I may have been drunk at the time, but I’d already answered this question, and I’d meant it. I wasn’t going to be the one to hurt Denny. That was her choice. All of this was her choice. “No, I told you I wouldn’t.” Holding tight to my anger, I lied through my teeth. “It doesn’t matter much to me anyway. I was just curious…”

“Well, no, I’m not…and thank you for not telling him…I guess.” She seemed taken aback by my answer, and my indifference. Why should I care about her, if she didn’t care about me? I was just leveling the playing field. Suddenly, her anger spiked. Her eyes narrowing, she spat out, “What happened to you the other night?”

Grinning wickedly, like I’d been up to nothing but scandalous debauchery, I grabbed my coffee and took a long draw. What happened to me is none of your business, and if I have anything to say about it, you’ll never know how stressed I was about telling you I loved you, or how hurt I was when you ripped the rug right out from under me. You’ll never know anything real about me. That’s the only way I can punish you now.

She walked away after that, and I let her. There was nothing left to say anyway.

Once my coffee was done, I went to my room and hid out. I hated that I was hiding, but I didn’t want to see Kiera any more today. I could still hear her, which was bad enough. I heard her laughing with Denny before disappearing into the bathroom to take a shower. I lay on my bed as I listened to the water running, and images of her naked body rotated through my mind. I hated the play-by-play, and wished I could shut it off. The painful memories of what I could no longer have wouldn’t leave me though. I was stuck in a visual hell of my own creation.

As soon as I could slip out without either roommate noticing, because I couldn’t handle talking to Denny at the moment either, I left for Evan’s. I even took a few extra things with me, since I didn’t plan on coming home. I just wanted to be away for a while. I wanted to be somewhere where I wouldn’t have to see Denny and wouldn’t have to be alone with Kiera. Being around the guys was a great escape.

When I showed up at Evan’s with a duffel bag, he raised an eyebrow at me. “Care if I crash here for a couple days?” I asked.

As I expected, Evan shrugged and said, “No. Can I ask why?”

I could tell from the glint in his brown eyes that he thought it had something to do with Kiera. It did. Exactly what he’d been worried about had happened. I’d caved. I was a scumbag. But Kiera was a scumbag too, and I didn’t really want to talk about her with him.

Throwing on a trouble-free smile, I said, “Denny’s back. He was gone a long time, so I thought I’d give the happy couple some breathing room.”

My voice was a little strained on the words “happy couple,” but Evan didn’t seem to notice. He was too freaking ecstatic that Denny had returned. I know, it’s great news, isn’t it? Now you don’t have to worry about me crossing the line with his girlfriend. Well, sorry to burst your bubble there, Evan, but Denny came back one day too late for that.

While I managed to avoid my house for the most part, I wasn’t so successful in avoiding the bar. Kiera could run me away from one place, but not both. It was easier to be around her at Pete’s anyway. There was safety in numbers. It didn’t hurt so much to see her when I was surrounded by my bandmates, the bar staff, and dozens of women who would love a turn with me. If only for a night. Since that was all I was good for.

I used the opportunities at Pete’s to get back at Kiera in small, pathetic ways. It helped fuel my fire to pick on her, and anger was the only thing keeping me going lately. If I lost the anger…I think the pain of losing her, or more accurately, the pain of never having her, would consume me. Like an empty plastic jug tossed on a fire, I’d collapse in on myself, dissolving into nothing. So I stoked my rage to protect my sanity.

I flirted with Rita at the bar, acting like I was interested in going another round with her. I refused to let Kiera get my drinks for me, and she actually looked offended that I wouldn’t let her serve me. She’d served me enough. I engaged Griffin in his sordid stories, stories that might or might not have even been true. Griffin loved getting graphic about them though. I knew Kiera hated hearing it, so I made sure she had no choice but to listen. I even dragged her into the conversations whenever I could.

She flushed with color almost every time she approached our table. Griffin loved embarrassing her, so the two of us had a great time, but I heard about it from Evan later at his loft. “Why are you picking on Kiera so much?”

Ice flashed through my veins as I looked over at him. I was lying on the couch, getting ready to go to bed; he was in his “room,” reading. “I’m not picking on her.”

Evan closed his book and sat up on his bed. I mentally cringed. I didn’t want to have this conversation, not with him. “Yeah, you are. You’re being a jackass. Why? Why are you really here, Kellan?”

I sighed in my head. I’d have to go home tomorrow, just so Evan wouldn’t get suspicious. I tossed my arms out to the sides. “I’m not doing anything. I was just having a bit of fun with Griffin. I was more picking on him than anything. He’s an idiot, and ninety percent of those stories are pure crap.”

Evan laughed. “Yeah, that’s true. I don’t think Kiera realizes that though, so maybe you should ease up around her.”

I gave him a bright smile as I laid my arm over my eyes. “Yeah, sure. I wasn’t trying to make her uncomfortable or anything.” Just miserable. Like me.

The next morning, I headed back home. As long as Kiera and I didn’t look at, speak to, or get anywhere near each other, being home should be just like being at Evan’s. This would be fine. Just fine.

I opened my front door and froze. Denny and Kiera were awake. They were practically going at it on my couch. While I once found that amusing, it wasn’t so funny anymore. Pain leached up from my stomach, but I pushed it back. She was a fucking whore who’d used me and I hated her. And I missed her.

Kiera and I locked gazes. She was sitting on Denny’s lap, her fingers in his hair. I remembered her fingers being in mine, and hate flowed through me. Damn her for hurting me. As I smirked at the skank, Denny finally noticed me. I quickly shifted my expression into an amiable smile. “Mornin’.”

“You just gettin’ home, mate?”

Denny started stroking her thighs. It reminded me of her legs wrapped around me. God, that had felt so good. She’d felt so good. But what we’d shared wasn’t real. It had only been a release to her. Fucking bitch.

Only looking at Denny, I replied, “Yeah, I was…out.” I shifted my gaze to Kiera on the word “out.” Take that any way you want to. I don’t care.

Kiera seemed uncomfortable and scooted off Denny’s lap. He laughed as he put an arm around her. My stomach twisted as I watched them cuddling. They looked so fucking happy together, but it was just as big of a lie as the two of us had been. Denny wanted his old job back, and Kiera…well, who the fuck knew what she wanted.

“See you guys later,” I muttered as I ambled up the stairs and into my room. I shut the door and lay down on my bed. My anger was only increasing with each breath I took, but I welcomed the heat. The heat kept away the pain.

Denny was at the bar when I strolled in that night. If we didn’t have to play later, I would have strolled right back out; being around him was painful. Being around him and Kiera together was agony.

Like I was still drawn to her, even though it was pointless and futile, my eyes locked onto Kiera. She had her hair pulled up, exposing her slim neck. Her Pete’s shirt was tight to her body, and she wore these tiny black shorts that showed all of her lean legs. How good she looked was torturous.