Thoughtful (Thoughtless #1.5)(97)
Author: S.C. Stephens

Kiera grabbed my hands and held them tight while I took a few calming deep breaths. I didn’t want our last parting to be a screaming match. I wanted to say goodbye like I’d planned. Stoically. Opening my eyes, I said in a surprisingly calm voice, “I told you I would walk away, if that was your choice…and I will. I won’t make trouble for you. I always knew where your heart really was anyway. I never should have asked you to make a choice…there never was a choice to make. Last night, I did hope that…” Sighing, I stared at the pavement. No point in dwelling on what was never actually going to happen. “I should have left ages ago. I was just…being selfish.”

Kiera made a noise that sounded like a scoff. “I think I give new meaning to the word, Kellan.”

Smiling, I looked up at her. Yeah, perhaps she did. We both did. “You were scared, Kiera. I understand that. You’re scared to let go…I am too. But everything will be fine.” It has to be. “We will be fine.” How am I going to live without her?

We wrapped our arms around each other and squeezed as tight as we could. I never wanted to let her go, but I knew I had to. One of us had to. “Don’t ever tell Denny about us. He won’t leave you. You can stay at my place for as long as you like. You can even rent out my room if you want. I don’t care.”

She pulled back to look at me, and I could see the fearful question in her eyes. Was I leaving? Yes. I was. For good this time. “I have to leave now, Kiera…while I can.” Tears were falling down her cheeks, one after another. Feeling that my own cheeks were wet as well, I dried hers as best I could. “I’ll call Jenny and have her come get you. She’ll take you to him. She’ll help you.” You won’t be alone.

“Who will help you?” she asked, her voice soft with compassion.

No one. Swallowing down that painful truth, I ignored her question and continued providing her with happy thoughts to think about when I was gone. “You and Denny can go to Australia and be married. You can have a long, happy life together, the way it was supposed to be. I promise I won’t interfere.” My voice cracked. I’m going to miss you…so much.

Kiera didn’t want to hear about her life, she wanted to know about mine. She wanted to know I would be okay. “What about you? You’ll be alone…”

I know. With a sad smile, I told her, “Kiera…it was always supposed to be that way too.”

She put a hand on my cheek in pain and understanding. “I told you you were a good man.”

Was I? I didn’t feel like one. “I think Denny would disagree.”

She threw her arms around my neck again and we rested our foreheads together as a sad, slow beat drifted over the fence to us. It felt wholly appropriate that a melancholy song was playing right now. Would my life ever be anything but melancholy now? “God, I’m going to miss you…” I don’t want to go…

Kiera clenched me tighter, and her words were frantic when she spoke. “Kellan, please don’t—”

I knew what she was going to say, and I quickly cut her off. “Don’t, Kiera. Don’t ask me that. It has to happen this way. We need to stop this cycle, and we both seem incapable of staying away from each other…so one of us needs to leave.” Feeling my willpower fading, I rocked my head against hers and spoke faster. “This is the way Denny doesn’t get hurt. If I’m gone, he may not question your lie. But if you ask me to stay…I will, and he’ll eventually find out, and we’ll destroy him. I know you don’t want that. I don’t either, baby.” I want to stay. I want to stay. I want to stay.

A sob escaped her, and it broke my broken heart. “But it hurts so much…”

Wishing it would somehow ease the ache, I kissed her. “I know, baby…I know. We have to let it hurt. I need to leave, for good this time. If he’s what you want, then we need to end this. It’s the only way.” Please, change your mind again. I want to stay with you.

I kissed her again, then pulled back and searched her watery eyes. Now was the time. Reaching into my pocket, I grabbed the necklace. I held it enclosed in my fist, then opened one of her hands and gently placed it inside her palm. She looked down at the keepsake in her fingers, at the diamond sparkling in the moonlight, and inhaled a sharp breath. This was why I’d brought it…some part of me had known this was going to happen.

As I spoke, Kiera’s hand started to shake. “You don’t have to wear it…I’ll understand. I just wanted you to have something to remember me by. I didn’t want you to forget me. I’ll never forget you.” You’ll be in my mind every second of every day. I can promise you that.

She looked up at me, and disbelief was as clear as the grief on her face. Tears falling like rain, she warbled, “Forget you? I could never…” The necklace laced in her fingers, she grabbed my face. Her voice intense and clear, she said, “I love you…forever.”

I crashed my lips down to hers. And I love you too…forever. There will never be another for me. Ever. You’re the one I’ll compare everyone to, and no one will measure up.

We poured our souls into that kiss. Our last kiss. I knew it was. I knew the second we pulled apart, I would leave and she would stay with Denny. It was what fate had been trying to tell me all along. I didn’t get to have her, because I didn’t deserve her. But selfishly, I didn’t want to let her go either. As the minutes ticked by, as our mouths moved together, as a sob escaped Kiera’s lips, then mine, I doubted I could go. I needed a minute…or ten, or twenty…or a thousand.

I wasn’t going to get that many though, because fate wasn’t done fucking with me yet.

Behind Kiera, the gate to the bar had just slammed shut. My eyes snapped open and I watched, helpless, as my world crumbled around me. Someone was striding toward me, someone who wasn’t supposed to be here, someone Kiera and I had foolishly been trying to shelter from this pain, but who was now getting smacked in the face with it. Denny. No…

Kiera broke off contact with me, but I couldn’t look at her. I couldn’t pull my eyes away from Denny. His hands were clenched into fists, and his dark eyes were drilling lethal holes into me. He wanted me dead right now, that much was certain.

“I’m so sorry, Kiera,” I whispered. This is going to be ugly. I never wanted it to happen like this…I never wanted him to see. In all honesty, I never wanted him to know.

Nothing was ever going to be the same now.

Chapter 31

Just End My Pain Already

Kiera and I stepped away from each other while Denny said our names. I couldn’t help but notice that my name was said a lot more harshly than Kiera’s. Denny looked shocked, like he hadn’t really expected to catch us like this, but more than being surprised, he was outraged. And I had to imagine he was hurt too.

Kiera put her hands up, trying to shield us from the storm that was coming. “Denny…” She had no other words, nothing to portray this in an innocent light, nothing to hide what we’d done. There was no hiding it. The lies were over.

Denny’s fiery eyes turned to me. “What the hell is going on?”

Almost relieved that the game was over, I told Denny the truth. Well, the truth in its simplest form. “I kissed her. I was saying goodbye…I’m leaving.”

From the corner of my eye, I watched Kiera press her hands into her stomach. Either the nightmare we were in now was causing her grief, or my statement that I was still leaving was. As wrong as it was to worry about it now, I kind of hoped it was the latter.

Denny’s eyes sparked with hatred, and all of it was aimed at me. Good. He should hate me, and only me. This was all my fault. “You kissed her? Did you fuck her?”

My mind rewound to my childhood. Things were so much simpler back then, although they had felt complicated at the time. I recalled blood trickling down Denny’s lip while he sat on the ground, collecting his senses; my dad fleeing from the room like he was terrified of what Denny might do; and me, sitting on the ground beside Denny, dazed and in awe that someone would do what he’d just done for me. Denny deserved the truth.

“Yes.” I cringed as I drove in the knife. The damage was done now. Our friendship was over.

Denny’s mouth dropped open in shock. He must have been hoping he was wrong. I sort of wished he were. “When?”

“The first time was the night you broke up.” I knew I was leading him to a horrible conclusion with my statement, but it was what it was.

He grasped what I was hinting at right away. “The first time? How many times were there?”

“Only twice…”

Kiera snapped her eyes to mine, and I saw a question in the hazel depths. We’ve been together more than twice. Why did you tell him that? Because he asked how many times we fucked. And once we told each other we loved each other, what we’d done was so much more than fucking. I never wanted to fuck again. Kiera’s lips lifted into a ghost of a smile, and I knew she understood.

Returning my eyes to Denny, I told him what was in my heart. “But I wanted her…every day.” There’s no point in holding back now. He should know everything I feel for her, everything she means to me.