Thoughtful (Thoughtless #1.5)(23)
Author: S.C. Stephens

I heard a soft moan escape Kiera. Unlike the sounds coming from the TV, the noise she’d made was real. That was when I remembered that she was still here, beside me…and I was touching her. My eyes shifted to take her in. She was staring at me, not the movie. Her lips were parted, her breath was faster. Blood surged through my body, raising my heartbeat, quickening my breath, hardening my cock. I tried to remember why I couldn’t lean over and suck her bottom lip into my mouth. I tried to remember why I couldn’t reach over and feel the nipple poking through her tank top. Why I couldn’t lay her down and take her. And at the moment, I couldn’t recall anything but how much I loved her skin against mine.

I wanted her. Now.

My eyes flashed to her full lips. They were beckoning me, calling me, drawing me to them. I brushed my tongue against my lower lip again, but it was her tongue I wanted touching me. I bet she tasted good. I bet she felt good. I wanted to find out. I’d never wanted anything more in my life. My eyes rose to hers again, and I saw the heat there as she stared at me. She wanted me to kiss her. She wanted me to taste her. I’d almost say she wanted it as much as I did. My body strained against my clothes, begging me to do it. Just do it.

I returned my gaze to her lips and let them draw me in. Yes…please…kiss me. Her breath quickened the closer I came to her; I could see her chest rising and falling, could feel the air against my cheek. Her body squirmed under my touch. I bet she was wet. I bet she was ready. For me. But…no…she wasn’t mine.

Like my skull had been slammed against a brick wall, I suddenly remembered why I couldn’t touch her. Denny. She was Denny’s, and he was my best friend. Fuck. I had to stop this. It was so hard to stop though. Everything between us felt electrified. Every point of contact between us felt on fire. Instead of pressing my lips to hers, I touched my forehead to hers and only let our noses meet. The tease I’d just given myself went straight to my groin, sending an ache of pleasure through me. Fuck, I didn’t want to stop.

A whimper escaped Kiera’s lips that only made it harder for me not to lower my mouth to hers. She started raising her chin, searching for me. Fuck, this was going to happen if I didn’t do something soon. When I could just feel her lip brushing mine, I twisted away so my face ran along her cheek. I groaned in blissful torture. Fuck. I needed her. I needed to feel her, touch her, pleasure her, be with her. I was going to betray Denny. I was going to ruin everything, because I had no fucking willpower whatsoever.

My nose still resting along her cheek, I took two panicked breaths. I was trying to calm my body, to return to my senses. Kiera melted against me like she was losing hers. Her body shifted toward mine, her hand dropped to my thigh, her head turned toward my mouth. I knew I didn’t have the strength to turn away again. If her lips made their way to mine, she would find me eager and willing. Screw Denny. Screw Matt and Griffin. I’d throw her down on the floor and we’d have sex right along with the stupid-ass movie.

And she’d never forgive me. I’d never forgive myself.

I clenched her hand on my thigh and ran my mouth to her ear. “Come with me,” I whispered. My body desperately wanted her to “come” with me, but that wasn’t going to happen. I wouldn’t let it.

Standing, I led her to the kitchen. I knew I would need to be in complete control to do this, so I pictured everything I could to turn myself off. Denny. How good they were together, how much they belonged together. The look on his face when he’d asked me to not touch her. The look that I knew would be on his face if he knew I had betrayed his trust. Denny sparing me from my parents’ wrath. Denny standing up for me, taking a hit for me. Denny. My brother, by virtue if not blood. I couldn’t do this to him.

I was more or less put together by the time we reached the kitchen. I could still hear that fucking movie in the background, but I ignored it. Releasing Kiera, I set down my beer, walked over to the cabinet, and started preparing a glass of water for her. She was still breathing heavily, confused and frustrated, as I took her beer and handed her the glass of water with a peaceful smile. As she took it, she seemed embarrassed too. She’d probably expected something much different to happen in here.

She took deep, calming breaths, then downed her water like she hadn’t had any all day. I felt bad that she was embarrassed; that hadn’t been her fault. That was mine. I’d gotten carried away, taken things too far. I shouldn’t have leaned in…I shouldn’t have been touching her to begin with. And I definitely shouldn’t have been playing my own porno in my head, with the pair of us as the stars.

There was no good way to apologize for that though, so instead I said, “Sorry about the movie choice…” I made myself laugh when she looked back up at me. Keep it light. “Griffin is, well…Griffin.” I shrugged. Not wanting her to say anything that might lead to a conversation I didn’t want to have, I asked, “You seemed upset earlier on the stairs. You want to talk about your dream?”

I leaned back against the counter and crossed my arms over my chest, feigning casualness. When all else fails, fake it. Kiera’s brows drew together as she took in my posture. She still seemed shaken, embarrassed, and really confused. “I don’t remember it…just that it was bad.”

“Oh.” I was suddenly struck with a bout of guilt and grief. Her dream had to have been about me then. I was causing her pain, and I’d just made it worse by caving in to my desires for her. I needed her closeness, but I had to keep her at a distance. It was a fine line to walk, and I wasn’t sure that I could.

Upset herself, she set down her glass and started walking past me. “I’m tired…Good night, Kellan.”

It took everything in my power to not stop her and pull her in for a hug. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. “Good night, Kiera,” I whispered.

After she left the room, I dropped my head into my hands. What the fuck did I just do? What the fuck did I just let happen? I could have ruined everything. Slumping against the counter, I massaged the bridge of my nose where I could feel a massive headache forming. Maybe I already had ruined everything. I really wouldn’t know until tomorrow, when I saw Kiera again. For the first time in a long time, I never wanted tomorrow to come.

Its arrival was inevitable though. When dawn broke through my window, my eyes were already open. I hadn’t slept much, if at all. Last night had been way too close. I owed Denny more than that. So much more.

I was nervous when I went downstairs. Nerves weren’t something I suffered from a lot, so when I got them, they were almost crippling. I was scared that she’d want to “talk.” I didn’t want to talk. I just wanted to pretend last night never happened. I wanted things to go back to normal. Well, our version of normal. I just wanted to hug her and not have it be weird. Maybe if I didn’t mention it, she’d think last night was just part of her dream. God, I hoped she hadn’t had a nightmare about me. I didn’t want to hurt her, not even in her head.

When I heard her coming down the stairs, my hands started shaking. “Stop it,” I whispered, clenching and unclenching them. She didn’t need to know I was freaking out. I inhaled a deep breath, then put on my game face. I should probably thank my parents for giving me so many opportunities to perfect it.

Besides my heart rate spiking, everything was normal when Kiera stepped into the kitchen. Her cheeks reddened, so she was probably still embarrassed. I didn’t give her time to dwell on it. “Mornin’. Coffee?” I extended the steaming cup in my hand to her.

She smiled as she took it. The weariness under her eyes hadn’t lessened any; she must have slept about as well as I had. “Thank you.”

I poured another cup for me while Kiera poured creamer into hers. We sat at the table together, and a second of sadness washed over me. We hadn’t hugged. Kiera frowned, and my thought evaporated. Fuck. She wants to talk. No, please. Let’s just let it go. Some things don’t ever need to be talked about. Like how much I want you, and how wrong it is to feel that way.

“What?” I whispered, wishing I were anywhere but here.

She looked confused as she pointed to my shirt. “You never did get me one, you know.”

I looked down at my T-shirt. It was the Douchebags one she’d mentioned before that she’d wanted. I’d been meaning to grab her one, but it had slipped my mind.

Relief washed through me that we weren’t having the conversation from hell, the one I’d been dreading all morning. “Oh…you’re right.” I was brimming with good feelings now that we were past the hard part. Not wanting to deal with Griffin anytime soon and liking the idea of Kiera wearing my shirt, I stood and slipped it off. Her eyes brightened at my half-nakedness; she suddenly didn’t look tired at all. The way she looked at my body made me want to be naked all the time, but that wasn’t exactly a good idea. The connection between us was already difficult enough.

I fixed the shirt and looped it over her head. She just gaped at me, so I put her arms through the sleeves like she was a child. “There, you can have mine.” She looked good in my shirt. I should have given it to her ages ago.

She sputtered on a response as her cheeks turned a charming shade of rose. “I didn’t mean…You didn’t have to…”