Thoughtful (Thoughtless #1.5)(31)
Author: S.C. Stephens

My heart hardening back up, I turned back to the TV and told her a lie. “The extra money comes in handy.”

Maybe that was the wrong thing to say to her. Kiera got up and walked over to the couch. She sat down right beside me, and my body ached with her closeness. I’d give anything to hold her. I hated that I still felt that way. Why couldn’t I turn this off?

Her expression apologetic, she told me, “I didn’t mean to pry. I’m sorry.”

Prying into my past was the least painful thing you did, Kiera. I swallowed a hard lump. “Don’t worry about it.” Just leave me alone. Please.

She didn’t though. She leaned over my body, giving me a hug. I stiffened under her touch. It wasn’t that long ago that I’d craved these moments. I’d gone out of my way to make them happen. But that was when I’d thought they mattered. I’d thought I mattered. She shouldn’t be touching me like this anymore. Not now that her boyfriend was back. Not now that it hurt so much to feel what I couldn’t have. Get off me.

She pulled back, and her eyes went wide with shock, like she suddenly comprehended that I wasn’t enjoying her presence. Leave me alone. I stared past her so I wouldn’t go off on her. There was no point in yelling, no good in getting angry, and no reason for her to ever touch me again.

Kiera let go. Her face confused, she said my name with a clear question. “Kellan…?”

I needed to get away from her. I sat up on the couch. “Excuse me.” My voice was rough and hard, but at least I still managed to be polite. I wouldn’t be if she kept approaching me with such indifference, like none of this bothered her at all.

She grabbed my arm before I could stand up. Fire burned through me. Stop touching me. “Wait…Talk to me, please.”

I narrowed my eyes at her. Get your fucking hands off me, leave me alone. Quit pretending you care. I see right through you. You don’t. “There is nothing to say.” Nothing that mattered, anyway. I had plenty of things to say. Shaking my head before I snapped, I bit out, “I have to go.” Brushing her hand away, I finally stood up.

“Go?” she said from the couch. She sounded confused and dejected. Was this really so incomprehensible to her? I’m in love with you. You gave yourself to me, then ran right back to him. You. Killed. Me.

Leaving the room, I told her, “I have to get my car.” I have a life without you. You’re not my entire world. You’re just the part I loved the most…

I dashed up to my room, slamming the door behind me. I leaned against the cold wood, shutting my eyes. Goddammit. Why couldn’t she see how much she’d hurt me? Why couldn’t she see that I loved her? Why couldn’t she love me back? Tell Denny to leave, Kiera…Stay with me. Choose me. That was never going to happen though. I had a better shot of getting my parents to return from their graves and apologize for the decades of abuse and neglect. That would probably hurt a lot less too.

I took my time getting ready. When I figured Griffin was just about here, I trudged downstairs to get my coat. I almost wished there was a secret door that would let me escape unnoticed. I really didn’t feel like another odd, painful confrontation with Kiera. Luck wasn’t with me though.

“Kellan…”

There was something in her voice that made me look over at her in the living room. Sadness, panic, I wasn’t sure. She stood up and walked over to me. I wanted to sigh. I wanted to beg her to let me go, tell her that all she was doing was hurting me, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t resist her, so I let her approach me, even though I knew I was going to get hurt by whatever it was she felt she had to say to me.

She started blushing, like she was embarrassed, and dropped her gaze to the floor. I frowned at her expression. She generally only looked that way when she felt stupid or silly. Is that how she felt around me now? I was heartbroken, and she was mortified? What was she going to say now? I really had no idea.

Not meeting my gaze, she mumbled, “I really am sorry about your parents.”

She peeked up at me and I relaxed. She was still worried about that? It was nothing. Water under the bridge. They were assholes, but they were gone. The end. But my parents were something not many people talked to me about. She was still trying to get to know me, trying to understand me, trying to delve deeper. Why? You already had me, Kiera; what more do you want?

Softly, I told her, “It’s okay, Kiera.” I’d give you everything, if you’d only take it.

We stared at each other for long, silent seconds. I wished things were different. I wished our time together had been different. I wished I meant more to her. I wished she loved me, like I loved her. I wished my heart didn’t pound when I stared into her eyes. I wished my lips didn’t ache to press against her skin. But wishing didn’t change anything.

After another second of silence, Kiera leaned up and kissed my cheek. It burned so much, I felt like she’d struck me. I looked away as waves of pain nearly brought me to my knees. Jesus…please let the torture stop.

Turning from her, I headed out the door. I needed space. And the ability to shut off my memories. That one tiny display of affection was rewinding every moment Kiera and I had had together. Holding each other, laughing, making her blush, making her happy, making her moan. It was all too much. I pinched the bridge of my nose as I felt a headache building. If I could forget, like she had apparently forgotten, then I wouldn’t be in pain anymore.

Griffin pulled up, and I walked around to the passenger’s side to get in. I glanced up at the house and spotted Kiera watching me from the window. Why was she watching me? Why did she keep approaching me? Why couldn’t she leave me alone? Why couldn’t I forget about her?

Shaking away my thoughts, I got in the car. I needed to do something before this grief consumed me.

Anger seemed my best option. When I was ticked at her, it didn’t hurt as much. And being angry with her was something I was good at. It didn’t take much to stoke the embers in my belly into full-on flames. I would push her away when we were alone together. Make her keep her distance, since she shouldn’t be near me anyway. Then I’d stay as far away from her as I was able to. Anger and avoidance. That was how I’d survive this.

When she came down for coffee the next morning, I wrapped my fury around me like armor. Let her try to find a crack. I dared her. Leaning back against the counter, I lifted my head and listened to her approach. I could do this. I could shut her out, close down my heart, push away the pain. She was nothing to me, just like I was nothing to her. All of this was nothing.

When she entered the room, I slid my eyes over to her and half smiled. Mornin’, whore. Denny know about us yet?

“Hey,” she whispered, clearly not happy with the look in my eye. Well, what the fuck did I care if she was happy?

“Mornin’,” I answered, staring her down. Like the way I look at you now? You wanted my attention…well, now you have it.

She grabbed a mug and waited for the pot to finish brewing. Her face was speculative. Was she wondering what to say to me? She could say anything she wanted, I didn’t fucking care. She could tell me to have a nice day, she could tell me to take a flying leap. None of it mattered, and none of it changed the fact that she was a cold-hearted bitch. I hated her so much. Only, I didn’t. I didn’t hate her at all. I didn’t even blame her. I wouldn’t want me either.

I shoved that nagging thought aside and focused on my ire. Anger made the pain go away. Anger was all I’d let myself feel.

When the coffee was done, I poured my mug, then held the pot out to her. “Would you like me to fill you?” I asked, meaning it in the crudest way possible. Maybe Denny wasn’t getting the job done. Maybe the whore needed a good fuck this morning. I was just doing my civic duty by offering up my services. That’s all I was good for anyway, right, Kiera? I was a walking, talking vibrator. That was all I’d ever been, that was all I would ever be.

She seemed confused and uncomfortable with my question. Her eyes were almost solid green this morning. Stunning. The beauty in them only pissed me off even more. Take your incredible eyes and shove them. I don’t need them. Or you.

“Um…yes,” she said, her mug extended.

As I filled up her mug, I held in a laugh. I couldn’t believe she actually said yes to that. Guess she did want me to fuck her. “Cream?” I asked suggestively. Want me to come in you again?

“Yes,” she whispered, swallowing like she was nervous.

No need to be nervous. We’ve done this before. I’m just your toy anyway. No need to fear a toy. I stepped over to the fridge to get the creamer for her. The creamer I only kept buying because of her. The bitch had infiltrated every aspect of my life. I really fucking hated that.

Kiera looked like she’d rather be anywhere but near me when I returned with her creamer. I held it up. “Just let me know when you’re satisfied.”

My eyes were locked on hers while I gave my liquids to her. Want the real stuff? I’ll give you that again too. We’ll just fuck this time. No messy emotions, no misconceptions, no misunderstandings. Just a grade-A fuckapalooza. I have a feeling you’d be really good at that.

“Stop,” she told me, almost immediately.