Thoughtful (Thoughtless #1.5)(17)
Author: S.C. Stephens

Hoping it would take her mind off things, I found something funny on the TV for us to watch. It seemed to work. After a few chuckles, her complexion was brighter and she wasn’t going through nearly as many tissues. I watched Kiera more than the movie. Her eyes were greener in her pain, and she chewed on her lip while she watched the ridiculous movie. I suddenly wished I could sit beside her on the couch, maybe wrap an arm around her, give her my shoulder to cry on, but I’d promised Denny I’d keep my distance.

Eventually her tears dried up. I could see the exhaustion on her face when she lay down on the couch, and it didn’t surprise me at all when she fell asleep before the movie was over. She probably hadn’t slept at all last night. I found a light blanket and laid it over her curled body. She stirred a little and smiled, like she knew I’d done that for her.

I stood over her, watching her for the longest time. A strand of hair had fallen over her cheek and across her lips. Her light breath was making the ends flutter, and I was positive that any second, it would tickle her awake. Careful to be slow and gentle, I lifted the strand from her face and tucked it behind her ear; it was silky between my fingers.

Kiera didn’t move, so I figured she was still asleep. I knew I shouldn’t, but her exposed cheek was calling to me. My breath sped in anticipation and my lips parted. She really was incredibly beautiful. Even emotionally drained, with light circles under her eyes, she was stunning. The pad of my thumb brushed against her cheekbone. Her skin was so soft, I wanted to cup it in my palm, feel more of it beneath my fingers. I wanted to rub my cheek against hers, brush my lips across it. But I was already crossing the line right now, and I wouldn’t cross it any farther. Kiera and I had the foundation of a really nice friendship. It seemed too simple when put in those terms, but it was the only way I could describe us, and I wasn’t going to do anything to jeopardize our relationship, or mine and Denny’s, even if he didn’t fully trust me.

I did my best over the next few days to make Kiera comfortable with her situation. Mainly I tried to keep her mind off it by filling up all of her free time. She unfortunately had a lot of time on her hands since she hadn’t started school yet.

The more time we spent together, the more I enjoyed her company. She was smart, funny, insightful, and a pleasure to look at, especially when I could make her cheeks flush bright red. She was also silly and playful when she broke out of her shell, a fun fact I discovered when I successfully got her to dance and sing with me at the grocery store. I was supposed to be getting her mind off her loneliness, but she was actually getting my mind off mine.

Sure, I flirted with girls on occasion, because a woman’s touch wasn’t something I was ready to give up just now, but I couldn’t even recall the last time I’d slept with someone. It felt like forever, but I rarely thought about sex anymore. Well, I rarely thought about sex with girls I didn’t know anymore. I did on occasion have steamy, and really inappropriate, thoughts about Kiera. And dreams. Sweet Jesus, the dreams. Some of the ones I had about her had me hard enough to cut glass when I woke up. But I didn’t let that affect our friendship, or my promise to Denny. Both people meant too much to me.

I was having a rather inappropriate thought about what she might look like soaking wet when I heard her knock on my door one evening. I’d just gotten out of the shower and was a little soaked myself when I told her she could come in.

Shoving away the image of water dripping between her breasts, I threw on a bright, friendly smile as she pushed the door open. “What’s up?”

She was standing in the doorway, staring at me with her mouth open. She probably hadn’t expected me to be only half dressed. She closed her mouth, attempted to compose herself, then started stammering. It was a cute reaction, and one I wasn’t used to. Maybe she thought about me naked too? No, no way.

“Um…I was wondering…if I could go with you…to Razors…listen to the band…”

“Really?” I grabbed my shirt off my bed, surprised. Razors was a small bar that we were playing at tonight. Kiera heard the band so often at Pete’s that hearing us there would be a little monotonous. If that was what she wanted though, I’d love her company. “You’re not sick of listening to me yet?” I winked as I put on my shirt. She had to be a little over it.

She swallowed, like she was still taken aback by my body. Hmmm, on second thought, maybe I should be half-naked in front of her more often. Her distraction was alluring.

Friends. Just friends.

“No…not yet,” she said. Almost as an afterthought, she added, “It will give me something to do, anyway.”

I laughed at her comment. It always came back to Denny, and the perpetual waiting game she was playing. Finished getting dressed, I went to my dresser to get the styling product I used on my hair and tousled up the mess into ordered chaos.

When I looked back at Kiera, she was engrossed with watching me. “Sure, I’m almost ready to go.” I sat down to pull on my boots and patted the bed so Kiera would join me. When she did, I found that I liked having her beside me; her clean fresh scent wrapped around me, and even without touching her, I somehow felt a warmth I’d never had before. But I knew I shouldn’t think stuff like that.

The show turned out really nice, and I was glad that Kiera had a chance to see it. Once the set was over and our stuff was packed up, I made sure to thank the employees for having us, and the patrons for coming down to see us, or at least putting up with us, if they hadn’t known we were playing. As I was hugging the bartender goodbye, a forward girl put her hand on my back pocket and squeezed my ass. When I looked over my shoulder at her, she said, “Have any plans tonight?”

My eyes darted from her to Kiera, standing by the doors, watching. Not too long ago, I would have agreed to go anywhere this woman wanted me to go, but things were different now, and I didn’t want to go anywhere with her. And besides, I couldn’t. I actually did have plans.

“Sorry, I do.” She frowned, so I gave her a kiss on the cheek. Hopefully it was enough to make her happy.

Kiera was in a great mood on the ride home. She was staring at me like she was mesmerized. I wasn’t sure why, until I realized I was quietly singing the last song we’d played.

“I love that one,” she told me. I nodded. I already knew that. No matter what she was doing, she always stopped and listened to “Remember Me” whenever we played it at Pete’s.

“It seems important to you,” she asked, suddenly inquisitive. “Does it mean something?”

She almost seemed embarrassed for asking, like she’d done it without thinking again. Her question caught me off guard, as did her insight. And her concern. Most girls didn’t notice my lyrics when they were around me. “Huh,” was all I could come up with to say.

Of course, that wasn’t enough for her. “What?” she asked, her voice timid.

In that one simple word, I could almost hear her begging me to open up to her. The idea of her knowing what that song meant to me, what I was really singing about, didn’t scare me like it had when I’d first watched her reaction to it. I felt very comfortable with her. I wasn’t comfortable enough to open up and tell her every sob story I had inside me, but I was comfortable enough to not be afraid of confiding small pieces of myself to her. So long as she didn’t ask for too much, and she didn’t push when I didn’t want her to.

With a warm, carefree smile, I told her, “No one’s ever asked me that before. Well, no one outside the band, that is.” I paused, wondering if I wanted to crack open the confession door just yet. “Yes…” I murmured, looking over at her. She blinked and turned my way, her eyes wide with some emotion I couldn’t even begin to place. Losing myself in the shape of her mouth, the shine in her eyes, I let a section of my heart spill out. “It means a lot to me…”

What I’ve hoped all my life to have. What my parents could never give me. What I know I’m not worthy of…someone’s love. That’s what it means to me.

A slice of unexpected pain jarred my heart. I didn’t want to tell Kiera any more, didn’t want more pain to seep out, so I tightened my mental defenses and studied the lines on the road, hoping she would get the hint. Thankfully she didn’t ask me to elaborate. Kiera always seemed to understand when she was pressing on a scar, and I was grateful that she backed off before she tore it open.

I contemplated heading over to Evan’s or Matt’s when we got home, anything to take my mind off the last several minutes, but Kiera’s smile was so warm and inviting when she thanked me for the fun evening that she melted the ice around my heart that had been chilling me. That was what it felt like, anyway. And like she was the sun, I just wanted to be near her, so I stayed.

Having Kiera around was brightening my life in ways I hadn’t anticipated. Like one afternoon, when I came home to find my place completely transformed. It amused me at first. I even laughed when I caught Jenny and Kiera putting up pictures in the kitchen. But as I walked from room to room, I was struck by what they’d done. The odd baskets, art, and photos made the home seem lived in. All of a sudden, it wasn’t just four walls and a roof anymore. It had personality, and the personality belonged to Kiera. The house felt like her.