Thoughtful (Thoughtless #1.5)(41)
Author: S.C. Stephens

Kiera studied me while I stared at her with open longing. Did she see how much I wanted this? Was it apparent on my face? Would she understand if she saw it? She was so naïve, so inexperienced. It made me believe that Denny was the only person she’d been with, the only person she’d opened up to. Maybe she really had no idea what she was doing, how much she affected me. Even though I knew I had no right to ask, curiosity compelled me to.

“Can I ask you something, without you getting angry?”

I was sure she’d say no, but surprisingly, she nodded. I couldn’t meet her eye as I asked my horrible, invasive question. I studied my fingers running through her hair instead. “Was Denny the only man you’d been with?”

By her voice, I could tell she was annoyed that I’d asked her that. I didn’t blame her. It was none of my business. “Kellan, I don’t see how that’s—”

I interrupted her with another jackass request. “Just answer the question.” Please. I know I have no right to ask, but I need to know…are Denny and I the only two people you’ve been with? Is that why you can’t let him go?

She seemed confused as she looked me over. I felt a little pathetic, so I was sure I looked it too. “Yes…until you, yes. He was my first…”

I nodded. I knew that. He was her first love, her first time, her first…everything. That’s why she was so deeply bound to him, why sharing her affections with me was so difficult for her, why just the thought of him leaving her sent her into near-hysterics. He was a part of her, down to her core. How could I possibly compete with that kind of history? I couldn’t. And I didn’t need to. I didn’t need to have all of her…just a tiny bit would do. A fraction of her warmth, a fraction of her love. I could be happy with that…

Kiera’s soft voice broke my train of thought. “Why would you want to know that?”

My hand in her hair paused as I stared at her. Keeping my smile plastered in place, I considered telling her the real reason why. I love you, but I know Denny has your heart. Most of it, anyway. I was just curious if there was a chance for you to love me more than him. But there isn’t. And that’s okay. So long as I have this much, it’s okay if he has the rest.

I couldn’t say that, so I said nothing and continued stroking her hair. Like she sometimes did, Kiera seemed to know that I couldn’t answer her, so she didn’t press me. She relaxed against me, and my mind started spinning as we stared at each other. I wanted so much to be the one and only in her eyes, but that wasn’t going to happen. Even if she and Denny did separate, that wouldn’t happen. He was too much a part of her. But she cared about me…we had something, and I would cling to that for as long as I possibly could.

While I watched, Kiera’s eyes filled to the brim with tears. The green depths shimmered at me, and the pain behind them was unmistakable. I frowned as I wiped away a tear that had rolled down her cheek. Why was she crying? “Am I hurting you?” I asked, hoping that I wasn’t; I didn’t ever want to cause her pain.

“Daily,” she whispered.

And there it was. My flirting with her, teasing her, playing with her…trying to kindle the fire between us so she’d accept us…was hurting her. I was a bastard, yet again. “I’m not trying to hurt you. I’m sorry.”

Her brows scrunched together as she snapped, “Then why are you? Why don’t you leave me alone?”

My heart felt like she’d just tightened a vise around it. You begged me to stay. You cried for me. You made love to me. How can I possibly leave you alone after that? When I love you more than anything else in this world? I just want a part of you, is that too much to ask? I frowned, hoping she wouldn’t tell me it was over…completely over. “Don’t you like this…being with me? Even…just a little?” Please say yes. I can’t handle it if you say no.

She hesitated, like she wasn’t sure what to say, then her entire expression relaxed, as if she’d accepted the truth. Finally. “Yes, I do…but I can’t. I shouldn’t. It’s not right…to Denny.”

Even though I was relieved by her answer, I didn’t feel happy. Denny. Yes, she was right about that. It wasn’t fair to him. None of this was. “True…” I said, nodding. I could only truly share her with him if he agreed too, and he never would. What sort of man would say yes to something like that? What sort of asshole would ask his best friend and the girl of his dreams to enter into a twisted relationship like that? My fingers paused in her hair. “I don’t want to hurt you…either of you.” You both mean so much to me…

We watched each other for several long minutes. I wasn’t sure what she was thinking as she watched me studying her. My mind was a jumble. Denny was innocent in all of this, and he deserved better, but I couldn’t give up my true love. Not entirely.

Kiera and I could still have an intimate relationship, but it would be purely emotional, not sexual. I would sacrifice the sexual aspect and wouldn’t push her to sleep with me. I would respect that part of her and Denny’s relationship, and Kiera and I would go back to the nonsexual contact that we’d had while Denny was gone. Then I would get to keep the closeness that I really needed from her. And if we weren’t being sexual, then we wouldn’t have to feel guilty anymore. This could work.

Or it could backfire…and we’d all lose.

“I’ll leave it at this. Just flirting. I’ll try not to be inappropriate with you. Just friendly flirting, like we used to…”

She seemed surprised by my suggestion. And I suppose it was absurd, but…I needed her to agree to it. I needed this. “Kellan, I don’t think we should even…not since that night. Not since we’ve…”

I smiled that she still couldn’t say it. The memories of our intimacies flooded through me, but I let them flow right out. I could give that up, if it meant I got to keep her. I stroked her cheek, wishing it was more, but knowing it never could be. “I need to be close to you, Kiera. This is the best compromise I can offer you.” A burst of wickedness flashed through me, and the words escaped my mouth before I could stop them. “Or I could just take you right here on the couch.”

Stiffening on my lap, it was clear she didn’t find my suggestion funny. “I’m joking, Kiera.” I sighed.

She shook her head. “No, no you’re not, Kellan. That’s the problem. If I said okay…”

I smiled as the thought of making love to her again clouded my senses. “I would do whatever you asked.” Anything. Everything. Just say yes.

She looked away from me, exposing her neck. I trailed my finger along her cheek, down to her collarbone, and then to her waist again. She was so beautiful…Kiera looked back at me with a sharp glare, and I gave her a sheepish grin. This was going to be harder than I thought. Much harder.

“Oops…sorry. I will try.” I promise. Just give me a chance. Things were so good between us before. I want that back. No, I need it. Please, Kiera.

She didn’t say yes, but she didn’t object anymore either. I took that as a sign that she was considering it. I hoped so. I resumed stroking her hair, and eventually the repetitive motion lulled her to sleep. I smiled as I watched her eyes close. As much fun as it was to rile her up, to leave her squirming with desire and panting for breath, having her like this, calm and peaceful, was nice too, in a different way. I wanted to experience every emotion with her. Well, all the good ones at least.

When it was clear she was deeply asleep, I shifted her off my lap and stood up. She was still sleeping, but she had a frown on her face, like she missed me. I wondered if she’d dream about me. The thought made me incredibly happy. I wanted to invade her subconscious, just like she’d invaded mine. Leaning down, I scooped her up. She sighed in contentment and nuzzled her face against my chest. I closed my eyes and savored the moment. We could be so great together, if she’d just let me in. And maybe now she would begin to. Really, that was all I could ask of her.

I tucked her into her bed, then stared at her for the longest time. If she woke up and found me watching her like this, she’d probably think I was mentally disturbed. I wasn’t. Just in love. It felt good to admit that. If only I could admit it to her, then maybe she’d have an easier time believing that I wasn’t using her, or only interested in sex. It went so much deeper than that. But I couldn’t say those things. The words just wouldn’t come.

I left her sleeping in her room and headed out to go meet up with the guys. We had a gig tonight at Razors, and I was actually looking forward to it. I felt hopeful, for the first time in a while, and it lightened my heart, and my mood. I was joking around with Matt when Evan asked me about it. “You seem different. Not as melancholy as you were a while ago,” he said. “Something happen?”

Shrugging, I nodded over at Griffin. He’d just taken a drum off the van, and he was looking around like he had no idea what to do with it now. “Yeah. Clueless over there is actually lending a hand for once. That’s a modern-day miracle. Who knows what could happen next? World peace. The end of hunger. The Huskies and the Cougars getting along. Anything is possible. Except maybe that last one.”